Tuesday, October 27, 2009

confuzled. but ok.

Haven't posted in a while, just haven't felt like it. But right now, with a warm cup of coffee next to me, already had breakfast, so I think now's the time. And the hubby is sleeping - scratch that he just came down - well he'll be busy for a while anyway. So..... can we talk?

I'm going to delve into some feelings here, folks. If it's too scrunchily-feely-uncomfortable to read, well go on over to another site. Won't bother me. I won't even know.

First of all, a little girl about 6 hours south of here has recently passed away and I just read about it, and it is making me so sad. A sparkling, vivacious, sweet, bubbly, girl by the name of Shiloh who brightened up everyone's world. Never met her, saw her story on TV but in this area she still feels "local" to me; meant to send a cheerful card and never got to it; anyway she was only 10, and that's so young, and it's so sad. So I read it in yesterday's paper, which I just got to today, that she had passed. And I'm very blue.

And then I take my coffee over to the desk to check email as I do in the morning, and sit down to my computer, where I had opened the Google homepage earlier, and here is what I see typed into the search-bar box:

"i love you mommy ~s****~" (her name was signed there at the end)

My youngest daughter, 11, must have written this as I was in the kitchen, yelling for everyone to get their shoes on, already, you're running late, etc, and don't miss that bus.

Huh. How about that.

And then I cried a hundred more tears it seems, for sometimes taking for granted the great and wonderful thing that is being the mom of 3 fantastic girls.

I'm so glad I gave them smiles at the door, and at least the youngest stopped for a quick hug on her way out.

So yeah... that was the past hour.

Please. Again. Plenty of warning here. You might want to go about your day. It's gonna get bad and dark going forward. It involves my frustration and money and medicine and will be quite boring, I'm sure, but therapeutic. For me. So here goes.

I'm a strong, adaptable person. First one to cheer you up and tell you everything will be fine. Usually. Ask anyone.

But.... still dealing with this recent epilepsy diagnosis and how the medicine is working and IF the medicine is the right dosage, if I can go back to work etc.... which we will know *after* I go in for follow up bloodwork and tests, only next week. So next week I do tests, then the system here is quite slow, and they would have the test results in about 2 weeks after that, to check the dose and any changes to me. And my Dr will say... well do you feel like you can go back to work yet? And here's the cliffhanger...... NO, I don't feel like I can, since I'm still having extreme tired patches, still having sensations of someone actually lifting up my brain inside my head, and still confused at times, which is one of the side effects of just-having-had an absence seizure.

So my answer would be no, not quite yet, however the dosage is not up to full dose till end of next week so we'll see.... However (!!!) my employment insurance for sick leave thru EI has run out as of next Tuesday. Far fuch's sake. So here we are swinging over a big gape, a virtual canyon, of no income (!!!) for, I don't even know, 4 to 6 weeks (!!!) until my company's insurance plan takes over to start giving me small compensation (I have, by the way, paid into this disability plan like every other employee). And they can't do that until my Dr. has filled in their form. Which she just did... and I can pick it up anytime for... $50.00 (!!!!!!!) Which I don't have till next week. Which delays my company insurance from kicking in even longer. Which is so f***ed up, isn't it all? For crying out loud. So yeah, basically I'm screwed for the next month or so with no income and waiting to see if the meds will work right and THEN if I can go back to work. Wah, wah, WAAAAH. Are you tired of reading this yet? I sure am tired of doing it.

OK that's my rant for today. Hey, I did warn way back there that this would contain some emotional shit, and it felt good to write it all down. So it is what it is. And we wait.

I'm going to take a deep breath, and go upstairs to my "studio" (close enough) to work on a special order of barrettes. At least my family is remaining cheerful, and my friends, and for the most part my health, right? And at least I have my Etsy shop which cheers me up also (I thank God for my little shop at times, seriously). Someone ordered 6 barrettes yesterday in special colors and that made me really happy so... off to braid barrettes and watch a good movie.

See ya, be well, love each other, and appreciate every day.



PEA said...

Wish I was near so that I could give you a hug in person. I know how life sometimes becomes one struggle after another and it's especially tough when you have to deal with health insurance and such. Things usually manage to work out but in the meantime it's very frustrating. My mom just called me and was telling me that the new pills the doctor gave her are helping her a lot BUT...they're not covered under her insurance plan and she can't afford to pay over $400 a month. I hope everything works out for you my friend. xoxo

~Macarena~ said...

I wonder whether the $ you paid in to disability would've been more useful now than the coverage.

How do you feel about putting up a ChipIn feature (it lets you set a goal and you can watch it count down) or a PayPal button and letting us give you the $ you need?

smileymamaT said...

I have an update... thanks to a very special and sincerely appreciated person, that form fee has been covered. I am astonished and forever grateful that a friend (who I've never met in person!) stepped in like that and just gave it to me, no questions asked, someone who really understood being in this situation. I'll be OK now, I can get the form sent off for approval and get that ball rolling finally. Thank you, to my own Red Tape Fairy. Words will never be enough.

PeppyPilotGirl said...

I am thinking of you and, like PEA, I wish I could give you a hug in person... this will have to suffice: (((((((((SmileyMamaT))))))))))

Awwwww re: your daughter's browser message to you!!

The money thing just sucks. Been there, done that. It, well, just sucks. Hang in there. Be as creative as you can (in terms of creating your art-things) - that usually lifts me emotionally. What I've always found about that type of situation though is the whole quandary of "if I have the money, I don't have the time but if I have the time, I don't have the money".

((((((((((((((SMT)))))))))))) (another one just for good measure)

Jenn said...

I can definitely appreciate your frustration. RIDICULOUS!!! I'm so glad to hear that part of it has been taken care of...whew! Very sweet your daughter's message to you =)