Pardon me miss, I mistook you for someone else.

Ok. First of all just need to say thanks for all the being-there-ness and support (and yes, I would even go out on a limb and say love) I've felt over the past few days when there just didn't seem to be any light at the end of this tunnel. I am grateful. For these friends and these blogger friends who do really feel like family.

It's true, you know. After so many months (in some cases, years) we do feel like we know each others stories, homes, kids and families, really bad days... really good days. Each others lives (for anyone just popping by, this blog has been up a good long while but the content had to be deleted recently so... it looks fairly shiny and new, ha). So thanks, guys. And a special thanks to a friend who stepped up to help, you know who you are, and I am eternally thankful. Thank you.

So. Having said that, I also really want to share a phenomenon I have just encountered in a dark cafeteria. Yes.... cafeteria. I'm getting there.

If there is a word for this phenomenon, tell me what it is. I'm mystified and smiling and somewhat saddened while also feeling proud and melancholy and happy and bittersweet. And it all took place in a dark cafeteria surrounded by Batman and ghosts and fairies and Lady Gaga and scary creatures and Goldie Locks. Hmm. Can you guess where I was?

OK. I was dropping off Justice Fairy, 13 (who ironically was dressed as a fairy) at the middle school dance. Already there was my youngest, PJ, 11. She had gone home with a friend after school and "gotten ready" there, and had gone to the dance with said friend's mom before I arrived. So... while dropping off Justice Fairy, I needed to bring in PJ's green plastic leaf garlands and little bird on a wire for her Mother Nature costume... having just purchased the above-mentioned items at the dollar store, having been begged mercilessly for above-mentioned items by the girl in question... countless times... the previous day.

OK then. So I go in to bring the garlands and bird to her in the cafeteria where the dance is being held. I enter with my Fairy who brightly smiles goodbye at me and flits over to a group of friends. PJ spots me from across the room, and very slowly moseys over to me at the door (as if I want to go in any further, no thanks). By the time she gets to me, I'm surrounded by a motley half-circle of her little girl friends, all coming over to say Hi. She finally shows up and I hand her the stuff. Which she's been asking me to bring to the dance... fervently.

At that point she takes the items gingerly from me as though I were freshly arrived from the Leper Academy, and looks sort of away toward the floor. I say something short like, here's your stuff, bye, have fun, see you tomorrow (it's a sleepover for her). I'm not being grabby and huggy. Just saying "here ya go". She mumbles "thanks, uh huh" to the floor, or the wall, or both... and melts back into the circles of middle-schoolers. Huh. Ok then.... I smile on my way out. "BRINGS BACK MEMORIES HUH?" I say to the assistant principal who is sitting at the entrance door. He barely hears me but smiles back. Good sport.

Is this my kid? The same one I helped put together a rocking Mother Nature dress complete with pale pink dress, cape, stuffed yellow silk sun and moon dangles (made on my sewing machine, and which she loved) for her belt made of leaves? The same kid who beamed when I mentioned her hair was very gorgeous flowy and Shakira-esque? Who posed celebrity-style for my camera this morning and gave me a hug and kiss at the door? The same kid who asks for a hug every night at bedtime (and the occasional shared storybook just for the sake of snuggliness)?

Woah. Wow. I think I just noticed something. That kid is a middle-schooler. And subject to change without notice or warning. And of course she's going to play it cool in front of her friends when she's out in "public" (yep, the dance counts as public when you're 11 going on 12).

Well... sigh. It was definitely a life moment. She's the youngest so... I suppose I don't have many of these middle-school moments left, and I'm cherishing them. I am. I understand, I get it. I still remember those dances and telling my mom to just drop me outside, I'd be fine. Wow. Stuff sure does fly by when we're not looking, huh?

So. What's the word for this feeling? I don't know. Guess I'll give it a name.

Momencholy.

Take care folks. Hug your kids today. Hug your pets today. Hug yourself today.

T
***update: when I stopped back in to the dance at pickup-time, my little Mother Nature child came running up to me. She yelled over the music, "MOMMY! MOMMY! I WON FIRST PLACE FOR THE COSTUME CONTEST AND LOOKLOOKLOOK I GOT A SUBWAY GIFT CARD!!!!!"
heh heh... yep, that's my little girl alright. :)

confuzled. but ok.

Haven't posted in a while, just haven't felt like it. But right now, with a warm cup of coffee next to me, already had breakfast, so I think now's the time. And the hubby is sleeping - scratch that he just came down - well he'll be busy for a while anyway. So..... can we talk?

I'm going to delve into some feelings here, folks. If it's too scrunchily-feely-uncomfortable to read, well go on over to another site. Won't bother me. I won't even know.

First of all, a little girl about 6 hours south of here has recently passed away and I just read about it, and it is making me so sad. A sparkling, vivacious, sweet, bubbly, girl by the name of Shiloh who brightened up everyone's world. Never met her, saw her story on TV but in this area she still feels "local" to me; meant to send a cheerful card and never got to it; anyway she was only 10, and that's so young, and it's so sad. So I read it in yesterday's paper, which I just got to today, that she had passed. And I'm very blue.

And then I take my coffee over to the desk to check email as I do in the morning, and sit down to my computer, where I had opened the Google homepage earlier, and here is what I see typed into the search-bar box:

"i love you mommy ~s****~" (her name was signed there at the end)

My youngest daughter, 11, must have written this as I was in the kitchen, yelling for everyone to get their shoes on, already, you're running late, etc, and don't miss that bus.

Huh. How about that.

And then I cried a hundred more tears it seems, for sometimes taking for granted the great and wonderful thing that is being the mom of 3 fantastic girls.

I'm so glad I gave them smiles at the door, and at least the youngest stopped for a quick hug on her way out.

So yeah... that was the past hour.

Please. Again. Plenty of warning here. You might want to go about your day. It's gonna get bad and dark going forward. It involves my frustration and money and medicine and will be quite boring, I'm sure, but therapeutic. For me. So here goes.

I'm a strong, adaptable person. First one to cheer you up and tell you everything will be fine. Usually. Ask anyone.

But.... still dealing with this recent epilepsy diagnosis and how the medicine is working and IF the medicine is the right dosage, if I can go back to work etc.... which we will know *after* I go in for follow up bloodwork and tests, only next week. So next week I do tests, then the system here is quite slow, and they would have the test results in about 2 weeks after that, to check the dose and any changes to me. And my Dr will say... well do you feel like you can go back to work yet? And here's the cliffhanger...... NO, I don't feel like I can, since I'm still having extreme tired patches, still having sensations of someone actually lifting up my brain inside my head, and still confused at times, which is one of the side effects of just-having-had an absence seizure.

So my answer would be no, not quite yet, however the dosage is not up to full dose till end of next week so we'll see.... However (!!!) my employment insurance for sick leave thru EI has run out as of next Tuesday. Far fuch's sake. So here we are swinging over a big gape, a virtual canyon, of no income (!!!) for, I don't even know, 4 to 6 weeks (!!!) until my company's insurance plan takes over to start giving me small compensation (I have, by the way, paid into this disability plan like every other employee). And they can't do that until my Dr. has filled in their form. Which she just did... and I can pick it up anytime for... $50.00 (!!!!!!!) Which I don't have till next week. Which delays my company insurance from kicking in even longer. Which is so f***ed up, isn't it all? For crying out loud. So yeah, basically I'm screwed for the next month or so with no income and waiting to see if the meds will work right and THEN if I can go back to work. Wah, wah, WAAAAH. Are you tired of reading this yet? I sure am tired of doing it.

OK that's my rant for today. Hey, I did warn way back there that this would contain some emotional shit, and it felt good to write it all down. So it is what it is. And we wait.

I'm going to take a deep breath, and go upstairs to my "studio" (close enough) to work on a special order of barrettes. At least my family is remaining cheerful, and my friends, and for the most part my health, right? And at least I have my Etsy shop which cheers me up also (I thank God for my little shop at times, seriously). Someone ordered 6 barrettes yesterday in special colors and that made me really happy so... off to braid barrettes and watch a good movie.

See ya, be well, love each other, and appreciate every day.

Tory

A First Birthday Is Very Special.

So! Hi!
Wanted to put these pics up here since I've been working on this quilt and pillowcase for like a week and finally finished last night, washed and dried. Was up till nearly 2 am playing online farming games and trying to stay awake so it could dry all the way, and now it's packed up and ready to give to a special little baby girl who's turning 1 today! This photo above shows the top before the backing was added. Luckily I had some sun this morning, so I ran out into the frost-covered yard in my nightgown to snap these pics on the clothesline!!! Sorry, neighbors!!!

I wasn't sure what to put on the back, but finally settled on a dreamy light purple flannel, it looks almost like a wispy cloudy sky. But purple. :) I figure it's so cold up here, Mamma might want to flip cool crispy side to warm snuggly side now and then.

This is the back of the pillowcase, it's also the back of the quilt. See my pitiful cornrow back there in the garden? Stupid me, planted too late, an d the poor corn could not produce any good ears. Aaargh. Well I'll know next year. Anyway at least the quilt turned out OK! I decided not to iron any parts as it just came out of the dryer, got folded, and today it got rolled into a little ball for the gift bag anyway. Ironing seemed a little... useless.

All tucked away and going to her party this afternoon. I love 1st birthday parties. They have way too many relatives, way too much noise, way too many small children running around all crazy, and a little baby-face happy and smeared with "first chocolate cake" at some point. Fun times. Seriously. This is what memories are made of.

Well, off to get ready.... have a nice weekend. Try to eat some cake.

T

A medical update.

Hi friends.

Wanted to put up an update, it's been a little crazy.... so I'm posting the info I had put into an email which I had recently sent to all you family members (and friends who were close enough to feel like family). Just to let you know what's up, as I know you, meaning those few who "visit" me here about as often as I visit you and who have come to feel like friends over the past couple years, wanted some news.

My family Dr. has been testing a lot, trying to figure out why I've been missing pieces of my day, feeling disoriented for hours at a time, etc... referred me to a neurologist... he ordered, finally, an EEG.

Nearly 4 weeks later, after my family Dr. made a follow-up call to get the ball rolling, he (neurol) read the test results.

This is what I've been diagnosed with a few days ago: epileptic absence. See links below for a bit of info... The neurologist is trying a medication on me that he says is commonly used to treat this (Tegretol I think is the brand name), and will monitor to see if any improvement or if I can maybe go back to work after this month. Not that I want to go back... still dizzy a lot and worried how I'll do it.... but I've been on medical leave since July so... would be nice to get things stable again, would be nice to have my paycheck again too. Worried, of course, about financially feeling secure. Just like everyone else in the world. So... still at a crossroads about how that will turn out...

Till we know if this medication works, no driving for me for a while longer. No swimming in the deep end, etc. :) Don't worry, I'm being careful. Not even using my stovetop if I'm home alone, for now at least. I've already boiled my coffee over in the microwave by hitting "333" instead of "33" seconds while my mind had "stepped out", so... being more cautious.

Hopefully this will work. I'll keep you posted if any different news. Thanks for your support as I figure this all out. I welcome any advice from those who have dealt with this before, as it is completely new to me.

I'm also posting a pic of my "sewing studio" (aka one corner of my bedroom reserved for crafting only) since I just sorted out all of my fabrics (ok, I know I don't have a lot... but at least now what I have is color-organized) and I needed to share a bit of cheery news along with this rather grim news. This place is where I sit to sew, and look out my second story window and dream and wonder about the future and if everything will be OK.

And I added a pic of me just because I'm silly. And it's the closest thing I can do, besides having you over for a cup of coffee. :) So... please have a look at my little sewing area and let me know what you think! Thank you for allowing me to share something so personal. I appreciate my blogger friends, I truly do.

Info:
http://www.epilepsy.org.uk/info/seizures/absence.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Absence_seizure

Love,

T

Lessons from the Garden

Edited to add pics: The pink cornsilk I mention....

As opposed to the "dressed for daytime" cornsilk on most of the other plants...

The pink dandelion leaves next to some green ones. WEIRD HUH?

HI! A little teeny bit of gardening wisdom I'd like to impart...

The summer is over (yes, it's true, sorry to disappoint those who were not paying attention).

And I've pretty much pulled up the little garden except for the corn (still hoping we may get one edible ear off those plants) and the cabbage (which is doing fabulously well with no help from me, just waiting for the heads to get bigger and up they'll come).

So... while I was out there over the past few weeks, in my old flannel shirt and rippy jeans, I was thinking of all the things my garden has taught me this year. Keep in mind, it is only my second year of gardening, and I spent more time in it then reading or researching about it, so I did learn a lot of "practical knowledge" as I went. I also found the more time I spent online looking up gardening advice, the less I was actually gardening! So I just went out and winged it (wang it? wung it??) most of the time. It may not all be right or correct for every area, but it works for me.

Therefore, here, to the best of my swiss-cheese memory, is the best of the wisdom my little plot has shared with me this harvest year. I think of it as a little Gardening for Dummies guide that I'll refer back to next year!

Here goes:

<> Peas and beans and radishes grow faster than turnips, cabbage, carrots and corn... root vegetables and fall vegetables in other words... So next time I'll plant these summer things on one side of the garden, and keep the fall veggies over on the other side. Less stomping around and disturbing them that way.

<> Cucumbers need a LOT of room to climb and spread out. Next year, the fencing for them to crawl up needs to be a lot taller. Maybe even vertical.

<> Corn does better when planted in triangles (threes), and mine were planted all in one row. Only learned this after they were 5 feet tall. Oops.

<> Sometimes cornsilk is bright pink. Sometimes dandelions are bright pink. *Nope, I do not live near any nuclear power plants. *

<> I should have planted everything earlier. I waited until end of June. Next year, May 15 to June 1, definitely.... even though I'll be freezing my butt off up here.

<> EARWIGS LIKE CORNCOBS. A LOT. **shudder** Careful when you peel them down to check... and shake them all out BEFORE you go in the house.

<> I don't know what the little tiny gray globs in my cabbage outer leaves are, still need to look that up. I'm guessing caterpillar poop. Or alien poop.

<> Rows in general need to be wider next year... so I'm not turning sideways to shimmy between the corn and the cucumber patch, praying that an earwig doesn't fall on my sleeve.

<> Kids will help in the garden. They like it. It's fun. Don't mention anything about the earwigs.

<> If your tomato plants get a disease, you need to pull them right out and get them far away from the rest of the garden. That shit is airborne.

<> If you do like I did and mark all your rows in Sharpie Markers on plastic tabs, good luck to you. Mine washed away with the first rain, leaving me with "mystery crops". Someone let me know if you have a better way, please.

<> A few radishes, if left in the ground after the others are ripe and ready, will crack and look awful and grow pretty tall flowers... but they'll make more radishes deep, deep underground.

<> Keep your eyes open and your wits about you (aka don't be upside down for too long). I was bent over pulling weeds and jumped out of my skin at the gigantic brown animal directly behind me... saw him from the corner of my eye and thought I had a(nother) moose in my yard... but after my hysteria it just turned out the be the chocolate lab from next door.

<> If your hose is old and busts, don't panic. Cut the darn thing off and put your thumb over the end. It sprays just as well as an attachment.

<> And when all is done, and your plants have all withered, pull them up and lay them all down over your garden plot... then lay a bed of dried leaves from your yard over top of them. It puts the garden to bed for the winter and the leaves contain a lot of nutrients that melt into your soil for next year. Simple way to fertilize, compost, and recycle all at the same time. Turn it all over in the spring and work it in.

Happy Fall. It's my favorite season. I'm going to the neurologist later today for my test results. Will keep you posted, friends.

hugs,

T